Wendy's First Birthday

Dearest, sweet Wendy,

Today is your special day!  A day our family will forever remember; the day God chose to bring you into the world, into your parent’s arms, and into your family’s hearts.  One year ago, we gazed upon your soft, ivory skin with silky, dark hair atop your head and marveled of your tiny frame with sweet, perfect hands.  Your parents were so delighted to finally meet you, they truly radiated with immense love for you, their precious, beautiful daughter. 

So much has happened since you were born.  Many tears have been shed, our hearts have grieved for losing you, hopes and dreams have been set aside.  However, above all the sorrow towers the promise we cling to.  The promise given to us from a faithful, loving Father.  The promise we will see you again.

I enjoy imagining what your life has been like this past year.  You opened your eyes for the first time in the arms of Jesus.  You have only known His perfect love in a perfect heaven.  I am confident that Jesus gave the task of nurturing you to your Grandpa Brion.  How can someone feel more joy from one day to another in heaven, I don’t know.  Yet, surely, upon your entrance into heaven, Grandpa Brion held you tight, tenderly kissed your rosy cheeks, and smiling his handsome smile, felt more joy than ever before.  When you were born, Grandpa Brion received a gift, the gift of a grandchild to hold and love for eternity.  I am so happy for him!

Since then, you have grown to understand perfect love in perfect wholeness.  Your heart only knows goodness and truth.  Your eyes have only seen the glories of a place no one on earth can fathom.  The warmth and beauty around you, tickles your senses and captivates your heart and mind every moment you live.  I wish I could have a peek at your chubby legs toddling about, hear your first words of praise to the Father who adores you, and watch you, hand in hand, with your Grandpa.  When I think of these things, desiring you here pales considerably to the reality you embrace and flourish in.  Your happiness means the world to me!

Today is your special day!  Celebrate your first birthday, sweet Wendy.  Celebrate all God has done for you.  That is exactly what your family will be doing here on earth through tears.  We celebrate on your birthday what God has done for you!

With all my heart and love,

Grammy

Hope

There is always hope. 

I can’t help but rejoice in God’s love for me.  In His infinite wisdom and grace, my Father truly carried me through the most difficult season of my life and has walked me to the other side of loss.  Becoming a widow was crushing on countless levels.  But, the life-giving reality of God’s presence inched its way into my fragmented heart, and miraculously, God’s nearness proved just as earth shattering as the pain I felt.  There is always hope.  I know this now.

We hope for better.  Better days.  A better year.  Better financial situations.  Better relationships.  Better test results.  We plan for better vacations, better employment, a better batch of cookies next time around.  Yet, the act of hoping isn’t something pretty to merely think about or admire like a polished trophy.  To hope is action when hope seems lost.  Hoping can be messy, floundering, emotional.  Often, hoping is clawing through the mire, blindly searching for solid ground.  Hoping is a dim light within the black abyss of dismal circumstances.  Hoping is breathing beyond unending sobs.  Hoping is treacherous work at times, and concurrently, hoping becomes grace to live again.  Hope’s view is heaven’s view.  There, everything is infinitely better.

To what else or whom else do we surrender our hope but the Lord?  I’ve cried and prayed with a woman whose husband had not left the home, yet abandoned his marriage.  I’ve apologized on behalf of the Christian community to a pastor’s wife experiencing hurtful actions towards her from those she trusted, those she ministered to.  I’ve counseled and resourced a wife and mother who sought shelter from an abusive husband.  Sitting on the floor, I held a broken, young girl in my arms and sobbed with her because her mom suddenly left the family.  I’ve felt the crushing weight of a terminal diagnosis.  I’m broken today for the tremendous heartache over an overwhelming diagnosis my daughter and son-in-law face with their first, unborn baby.  Only heaven’s view can fully address these tragedies, and that is the exact place where hope’s spark ignites.  This life is filled with a myriad of unknowns of which only God can provide.  We can rest assured; He does make things better in His time.  How?  He lends to us hope in His presence now and for all eternity.  He brought to us, Hope, in person.  Hope is Jesus.

Dwelling in and recognizing God’s presence secures my heart to the hope of heaven and all of its splendor.  I’ve often counseled others, “Heaven is everything!” A simple statement but an exceptional perspective.  This outlook, when matched with the struggles of this life, brings heaven’s reality in clearer view.  The heart rests, hopes, when the beauty of our divine future is forefront in our minds.  Peace seems tangible.  Our Hope, our Peace, who is Jesus, becomes our heart's greatest treasure.  To glorify the Father becomes a reason to live beyond the present struggle.  Fear, doubt, discouragement, and despair are exchanged for expectancy, confidence, and yearning for Truth.  One day our faith will be “swallowed up in vision” (Matthew Henry), our hope will be accomplished, and God’s outshining love will be perfected.  God gave us His best in Jesus, our Hope.  Hope is more than better; it is the best God has for His beloved.  

Still, I may hurt terribly.  The struggle to hope in this present life is profoundly real.  What I see before me, live with daily, am challenged with moment to moment, screams for my allegiance.  Yet, loving Jesus while facing eternity is incredibly more real; heaven’s just, temporarily, not my sight.  Where is God in my daily life?  He is present and whole-heartedly participating in my life's details, every moment.  He is as close to me as my very breath!

There is always Jesus, my Hope, because heaven is everything!

Unrepeatable Gifts - Wedding Memories

The day we prayed for had come.  A crystal blue sky casually decorated with fluffs of white was our backdrop.  Warm sunshine displayed its rays upon the ruffles and folds of Harveston Lake.  Busy hands and happy hearts scurried about the freshly cut lawn and brick adorned patio, making sure every well planned detail was in place.  Previously, a day of final assignments and check lists filled the time.  Center pieces, decorations, food arrangements, table settings, time lines, ceremony practice, ribbons, doilies, lace, white and blush pink roses, and a seemingly endless record of particulars were attended to by loving family and generous friends.  At this moment, my anxiousness had turned to contentment as my eyes absorbed the view.  All was in place.  Guests were seated.  It was time.  Kaitlin was getting married.

The gifts of this day began months ago.  Stumbling upon a wedding dress shop in San Diego, we nearly left without a purchase until I braved the room with the more “expensive” dresses.  Upon entering, I spotted it almost immediately; champaign colored satin covered in fine cream lace, fitted for a tiny frame with a keyhole back, rhinestone adorned bodice, delicate neckline, and flowing train.  It met every expectation perfectly.  Her eyes grew large and hopeful.  Trying it on was a pleasure.  Among the approving chatter of the ladies in the room, Kaitlin quietly blurted, “I want this one.”  Collectively, we sighed.  My eyes misted as sweet confirmation sealed my heart and hers.  The price didn't matter.  This was her dress.

Now, seeing her at the back of the aisle beautifully poised between her stunning brothers in dress military uniform, my heart must have skipped a beat.  I could not have been more proud of my children at any other time in history than that very moment.  How my sons had lovingly prepared for this occasion, planned ahead, got their uniforms ready with medals of honor, compared their achievements in lighthearted banter between the two of them, and honorably stepped into the role of father of the bride, gave me every reason on earth and in heaven to be the happiest mom on earth.  I was, simply and profoundly, happy.  Kaitlin was gorgeous and shining with her girlish smile, looking forward to her dream ahead, walking confidently, arm in arm, between two men she fully admired.  Adorning her bouquet was a charm with a vintage picture of her daddy.  Brion was there, walking with Kaitlin down the aisle.  Who gives this woman to be married to this man?  And, her brothers together proudly proclaimed, “Her mother and we do.” 

While listening to the ceremony’s promises, watching my beautiful daughter-in-laws generously support Kaitlin’s wishes, a best friend attending to every move of the dress, my cute-as-can-be granddaughter holding her basket of rose petals, musing over the handsome and whimsical smile of my new son-in-law, and relishing in the bride’s free spirited reactions, a firm gloved hand took mine in his.  My oldest.  I was taking it all in, and it was overwhelmingly perfect.  But, of course, my man was definitely missing.  Yet, everything and everyone was incredibly grand.  I gazed at Nic’s face; he gently smiled.  I looked over at Ben seated next to him.  My boys.  Brion’s boys.  Brion’s legacy of kindness, gentleness, integrity, and love for God and family demonstrated and lived out that very moment through his sons and daughter.  The firm grip around my tentative fingers spoke calm and security to my soul.  Love was seated next to me.  Peace was tangible.  How could a heart be so full?  Mine was overflowing.   Gratitude spilled from the depths.  Only God could discern this heart’s reservoir.  Nic’s hand was God’s, Brion’s, and his own, all in one.  

 

The ending of the lovely ceremony ushered in the beginning of the lively celebration.  Mexican food, a family favorite, was prepared.  Pearl dotted cupcakes with delectable fillings were carefully placed upon doilies and stacked books.  Burgundy and cream lace held vintage books, gorgeous flowers filled mason jars, and candles twinkled behind rhinestones and lace.   Guest’s chatter gave way to memories of the bride and groom so the tables could be released to eat.  Ben stood as the spokesman for his table and shared of the surprise it was to see his sister married now, when it seemed not long ago Katy was the little girl he and Nic  use to stuff into a suitcase for fun.  The laughter turned to tears when Ben, with choked emotion, admitted the struggle of not having dad among us.  Ben’s passion blessed his family.  His voice needed to be heard.  There could not have been a dry eye in the house.  Everyone knew.  Brokenness clung to each of Brion’s family’s hearts this day, yet we triumphantly celebrated. 

My turn was near for my address and toast for the new couple.  While I had been thinking about what to say, certainly uncharacteristic of me, I hadn’t prepared notes.  My heart spilled the record of what I felt at that moment.  My exact words, I can’t even recall, but my message was love.  Earlier that morning, a friend had texted me a beautiful picture of what this day held, here on earth, in heaven, and for the future.  I conveyed some of her thoughts in what I said.  Brion had already gone before us and saw this special day when he entered heaven’s gates as he no longer saw in part but saw fully God’s plans for his family being fulfilled.  God whispers that He has Kaitlin in the palm of His hands and that His plans for her are beyond my wildest imaginations.  God vows to come alongside her and bring them to pass himself.  I shared how proud I was of Kaitlin and how proud I know her daddy would be.  I honored Ryan for his obvious true love for our daughter and his acceptance of me as part of his family.  Confidently and by God’s grace, I placed Kaitlin in Ryan’s care, and then extended my hand and asked, “Kaitlin, would you dance with me?”

Gasps filled the room in response.  Kaitlin smiled, stood, and gladly accepted.   We glided onto the dance floor.  Each of us embarrassed at our lack of eloquent skills, danced as if it didn’t matter.  I brought her close and told her I loved her.  I twirled her around like a princess at the ball.  My eyes were fixed on her beauty, innocence, and joy that very moment.  No one else was in the room, until a handsome young Army drummer took my place and finished our dance.  Nicolas and Kaitlin completed the moment, arm in arm, with Nic leading and Kaitlin following.  Beaming, I sat down.  This day held countless treasures for me, moments etched across my heart forever.  We had done it.  Brion and I saw this day take place, together.  Our two perspectives were unique, but we are one and shared every moment.  Tears fill my eyes as I write.  How thankful I am for every good gift God has given me. And, at times, they break my heart.  

February will forever be a wonderful month!  Thirty-five years ago, a first celebration took place on February 23, 1980. The girls wore pale green, my favorite color, with wreaths of daisies upon their heads.  The guys dressed in brown tuxes, and Brion sported the standard of the times, white tails.  My dress had a pleated skirt and flowed with small delicate, lacy flowers as a trim.  A veil hid my nervousness, the bouquet held white roses and daisies, and my dad proudly walked me down the aisle to my future.  Brion and I shared our vows of love for one another in the presence of family and friends. We were very young, yet certainly meant to be together.   

I had no idea that day what struggles and heartaches were in my future.  As well, I could have never imagined how our love would grow and become one of the greatest earthly treasures I embrace today.  Three wonderful children, two added daughters and a son who are perfect for our family, and soon-to-be five beautiful grandchildren are the results of those long ago seeds planted in love’s rich soil.  A life of serving our Lord Jesus will forever be the honor and crowning glory of our union.  My wedding gift, then and now, is two lives made one, graced with more than thirty years of joy, tears, struggle, and tremendous love.  What a beautiful, sweet memory of long ago.  I welcome the new treasured memory of just a couple weeks past.  Love truly is forever. 

Thank you, Father, for the good gifts you lavish upon your children.  This February, mine are treasured memories that time cannot erase.  Decorating my heart forever, they remind me of your faithfulness and inseparable love, that you are the promise maker and the promise keeper.  My family is so precious to me, but even more so to you.  My own wedding day will never be forgotten, and Kaitlin’s wedding will always be a special gift to me.  I never dreamed there would be so many details of life that would mean so much, but you did.  These unrepeatable gifts will shine forever in my heart as blessings from a Father to his daughter.  Thank you, Father, for holding my heart in your capable, strong hands.  I love you so.

What I Love to Do that Feeds My Soul

My thoughts run deep and wide.  Often times they tarry too long, especially when rehashing a situation or conversation that has gone wrong.  I've learned that I thrive on conclusions.  Thinking brings some, but others remain evasive.  However, one dwelling conclusion that sustains my soul daily is the faithfulness of God’s abiding presence in my life.  I truly believe that God, my loving Father, is as close to me as my very breath.  I picture this.  On a lonely night, tearfully preparing a lovely meal for me and the Lord, I set out candles and used my good dishes.  I sensed His pleasure in my offering and acceptance of my breaking heart.  We ate together.  I saw Him with me, embracing my tears of loss, wiping them away in His perfect love.  I've envisioned God sitting right beside me on the edge of my bed, listening, singing songs of comfort and truth, when pain kept me from sleeping.  Jogging outside in the warm sunshine, I picture Him running alongside me smiling, and I’m not afraid.  For me, understanding God’s presence in this way brings immense security and trust.  Sure, I forget He’s always present at times, but my mind’s eye is in training to forever capture my moments from this perspective.  My conversations seem to flourish all day long with the Lord, from one topic to the next.  I can say anything to a God who loves me and is present.  He loves me.  He’s here.  Always.  My soul is sustained in His presence.

There’s power in creation!  The Creator’s perfect handiwork speaks of His majesty, authority, and beauty.  To be still at the ocean’s edge simply gazing across the border-less expanse encourages me.  If my God can unite the moon and earth, sand and creatures, water and mind-boggling creativity within, He can care for me.  He can use me.  He will love me.  I feel stronger breathing in His grace when rejoicing in what He has made.  My granddaughter questioned what the fluffy ball on the end of a dandelion stem was.  I explained, asked her to pluck it from the ground, and blow.  She giggled as the tiny seeds scattered in the air.  I watched each little fluff tumble forward with her sweet voice in the background.  A treasured scene to be remembered.  The intricacy of creation is spectacular!  The laughter from this innocent child in that moment was priceless.  Time spent away from my regular routine of life breaks the stress mold.  The meticulous details of nature command my attention instead, and I’m reassured that my control is not what matters, but God’s.  My soul is inspired resting in the glorious decoration of nature.

When I’m stagnant, I’m deflated and sadness creeps in.  Give me an opportunity to learn, dig deeper, and grow, I’m alive!  My principle of life revolves around God’s Truth.  Studying brings new hope and revelation to my soul.  Writing brings clarity.  Sharing breeds testimony and stories to tell.  Empathy releases me to encourage and inspire.  Hearing prepares me to teach.  And, in each of these opportunities, my soul is nurtured and crawls a little bit closer to the God who longs for me.  My soul is nourished when I grow in His powerful, everlasting Word. 

I couldn't breathe without God’s presence, time in His creation, or feeding from His Word.  Yet, there’s a playful side of me that requires surprises, spontaneity, adventures, and plain old fun.  Allowing my new kitten to curl up on my lap and sleep while I’m sitting in my favorite chair brings a comforting rest to my heart.  Risking my healthy eating habits and delighting in ice cream for dinner occasionally, makes me smile.  Taking a spontaneous drive to an unknown destination gets me excited for what may lie ahead.  Hugs from the grand children, reading them books, taking them on a walk and discussing God’s amazing beauty in the pink hued sunset captures my heart like nothing else.  My soul is supported when the spiritual essentials in life intertwine with the joyous, fun activities and blessings in a simple day.

Living day to day, dependent upon God and content in the simple things of life, is what feeds my soul.  I am blessed to be alive and continuously full by a living God who feeds me well.  



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